Copyright (c) 2012 Karen Rhodes

When you get married, are you planning your wedding because its what you want or because everyone else does it that way? A wedding should be a reflection of your personality and if you don't do the whole conform thing normally, why on earth do it on whats supposedly the best day of your life?

Most people find all sorts of ideas appealing. Few are willing to do what is required to make that appealing idea reality. In reality you may take comfort in the fact that you are a bit of a rebel and your wedding day is as everyone else's the traditional drinks reception, three course meal complete with cake, speeches and fifteen bridesmaids. Or you may want a wedding that reflects your true personality. A wedding with attitude doing what you want to do with the people you want to be with. If you can't be selfish on your wedding day when can you be?

So where do you start with the wedding of your dreams. Chances are you've already thought of it. Few brides wait until they are engaged to plan their wedding. From a very early age most young girls dream of that one special day.

If you want to be different, look at what everyone else does and do the opposite. Apart from the marriage ceremony which can't be messed with too much (there are laws as to what you can and can't do and when you can or can't do it), the rest is a blank canvas.

Lets start with the dress. It seems to be the iconic image of a bride that all girls have, the fairy princess. But does it have to be white and does it have to be quite so big!? If you want the tradition without the colour dare to be different and go for red. It looks amazing and it certainly sends out the message that you are doing it your way. If the meringue isn't your fancy go sophisticated, think long and black and slinky. Who said a wedding dress shouldn't be sexy

Where you tie the knot also makes a difference. You might be extremely religious but it doesn't mean it has to be twinned with a three course meal at the local country club. You've got to remember at all times why you are getting married and believe me it isn't to please everyone else and regardless of what your mother thinks its not her day. Presumably she's already had one and chances are it wasn't what she wanted either!

The food you have, the drinks you drink and the colour of chairs is all down to you. Everyone thought Kate Winslett was amazing when she chose to have sausage and mash in a country pub. Thats a real case of daring to be different because celebrities are supposed to do things a certain way. However it led to couples being more adventurous with their wedding meal and started the advent of proper food. Its popular now to have steak and ale pie, fish and chips or a barbecue or hogroast and you certainly won't be thought as radical for taking any of those options.

However brave you are don't let everyone else put doubts in your mind. Its very easy to have a very clear picture of what you want and over a period of time even close family and friends erodes that belief and push you closer and closer to the wedding they think you should have, rather than the one you want. I'm not advocating argument for arguments sake just have a clear picture of what you both want and stick to it. Picture the perfect day, write it down and present it as a united front. What you really need is someone on your side. Someone that wants what you want and will help you get it. Chances are, it isn't your family. It may be but it's more likely to be a friend or even someone you employ that will take your side (even if you are paying them), encourage you and help you bring your ideas to reality.

The obvious issue is money. If your parents are paying for the wedding they often want to have a say in how the money is spent. I have met a lot of parents over the years and there is little point in me saying that they can't or shouldn't have a say. Regardless of what you say they will in a lot of cases have quite strong ideas on how things are done. In a fairy tale world your parents would simply give you the money to spend as you wish but in reality this doesn't happen.

So how do you do things your way when they are paying? Even worse when you have two sets of parents involved with two sets of cash being dangled as the carrot to make you conform. Its simple really even if you don't like what you hear. You either pay for it yourself and do it your way or you negotiate.

I don't think there is one really good answer to the dilemma. Either your parents happily let you get on with it ie you are happy so they are happy or they don't. If they don't its really down to negotiation as to what you can or can't do. I've met plenty of perfectly reasonable brides mothers that once you get engaged they go into overdrive, call all their friends and before you know it the marquee has been arranged, the WI are doing the flowers, a couple of friends are preparing the bunting and they've lined up all fifteen cousins as potential bridesmaids along with old tapes of the Birdy Song and YMCA. Say no and the hurt sets in. How can you do this to me, my only daughter, I've been planning this since you were a little girl, how could you possibly do this to me. This can be anything from deciding to get married abroad to saying you don't want a cake or speeches.

If you can't negotiate the day you want and can't afford to pay for it yourself, you'll have to resign yourself to a series of small rebellions and pay offs. Quite often brides mothers try and plan the day they wanted but weren't allowed to have because of their own mother. Try not to let history repeat itself. Try and be gentle and explain what it means to you to have it your way and try your utmost to not get into a fight. The times I've been present when families are arguing about having mange tout or sugar snap peas is ridiculous. Its got nothing to do with the bloody vegetables its more about who won the last argument. Don't get into that situation where everything is about who won. Remember it is all about you but also remember that in nearly every single case your mother has your best interest at heart.

If you are paying for it yourself then just go for it, big time. If you want to get married in the little Church from Mama Mia or prefer a quick and simple registry office its your choice. If you want a lavish marquee reception or dinner for ten of your closest friends in your favourite restaurant just get it booked. If you want a picnic at the top of a mountain just do it. Choose your favourite food, dress in your very favourite outfit, invite exactly who you like, play your favourite music as loud as you want and party exactly as you've dreamt of.

Dare to be different, do it your way and be a renegade bride.